In Focus – SCCCU Blog

We don’t always agree with our partners on money matters. Disagreements about spending or saving with a spouse can often drive us to the edge. But it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s possible to stop money fights before they bubble up. Here’s a look at some of the best ways couples can successfully navigate financial issues together. These proven strategies can help you communicate more and argue less about money.

Write it Down

If you tend to disagree on where money should go outside of your typical household expenses and monthly bills, list your priorities (such as children, a vacation account, or an emergency fund) for where each partner feels extra money should go.

“It’s very important for each person in the couple to write down their pressure points, including whoever (or whatever) will need more financial assistance than usual,” says Maggie Baker, Ph.D., a psychologist and financial therapy specialist. “Then list your priorities. Writing it down cements what you are thinking about. If it’s just rolling around in your head, it’s easy to get lost.”

Schedule Money Chats

Once you have your list, plan a meeting with your significant other. You may want to set a recurring appointment once a month and then set guidelines for how your money talk will go. Set a time limit of an hour, and agree that neither party can leave the room or the conversation during that time.

Baker notes that it’s okay to disagree with your partner when the moment arises. “You can talk about how the conversation is making you feel. Just don’t get up and walk out. With such a touchy subject, if someone feels abandoned, that does not bode well,” she explains.
“Short and frequent money discussions are key,” says Sarah Sprague Gerber, AFC, founder of Momentum Financial Planning. “You don’t necessarily want to build up a money discussion into some huge hours-long event. That can be intimidating, and you could keep putting it off until it never happens.”

Prepare to Compromise

Many of us know we can’t always get what we want exactly when we want it. It would be best to begin conversations about money with the expectation that you will have to compromise on some things.

“You will get some of what you want,” Baker says, “but go into the talk with the expectation that you can’t get it all your way. That often helps a lot.” It’s also crucial to make sure both partners are reflected in your shared personal financial strategy, Gerber notes. That means if one of you is comfortable with a very aggressive portfolio, yet the other person can’t sleep at night, that could be a problem. If that’s where you are now, consider options from both perspectives. There’s almost always a happy medium where money is concerned.

Practice Your Listening Skills

We all need to be heard. Baker says that most of us should also sharpen our listening skills. Then, whenever you’re having a planned money chat, let your partner speak, and then repeat what you heard to confirm that’s what they really meant.

“I hear you” are three of the most important words when discussing money with your partner, Baker says. “When you can have an honest discussion when an issue is clearly stated and understood by each person, then you can talk about it more successfully.”

If you find yourself stuck, don’t give up. Baker explains that you can either agree and move on or agree not to agree and come back to it later.

Track Your Spending Together

Gerber says that being aware of what you spend is critical to meeting financial goals in general, but this is especially true when you’re tracking with someone else. It helps to find a way to ensure both of you are continually on top of what’s going out to keep you on the same page about shared goals. By doing this, you’re avoiding money fights and stopping them before they start.

Look to a Professional If You Need One

If you and your partner cannot resolve your money issues on your own, you may want to consider seeking assistance from an accredited financial therapist or counselor. A professional can help each partner consider their personal money stories and feelings about finances and understand how they may differ. For a list of financial therapists in your area, visit the Financial Therapy Association.